Thursday, September 09, 2004

Oh Motivation, Where Art Thou?

One 8 page paper due Monday: a couple hours
One 12 page paper due Tuesday: a day or two
One detailed thesis outline due Tuesday: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Watching law and order? Procrastination perfected.

You know, there was a time when I was in undergrad when I loved to sit down and just read my books for school for hours and hours everyday. I thought it was fun, like ripping open a yummy box of cookies and realizing that they're delicious and fat free.

Now, I have a hard time forcing myself to focus on readings. I start and in the middle of a sentence, my mind will trail off in its own direction. I'll start thinking about how I have to cancel a credit card that I misplaced. I'll feel the urge to sweep my floor and this irritation will obsess me until I get up and sweep. I become overwhelmed by the thought of reading an entire book (not to mention writing an entire thesis!).

Even writing this post is agonizing. I have ideas floating around in my head like flies and I can't catch them no matter how hard I try. It's hard to convey how horrible this is for me. I've always been able to put ideas together without trying; they would just appear like a polaroid picture. Now it's like my mind is silent, like I'm trying to look at the picture in a pitch black room.

A part of me wants to run around screaming. I want to shave my head, pierce my tongue, get another tatoo, scratch my skin off, take an ice cold bath, and crack open my head so it will finally stop aching. I want to sleep for hours and hours and hours without waking up to let the dog out. I want to sit down and devour a banana walnut muffin. I want to draw all over myself in permanent marker and walk around the mall like nothing is askew. I want to punch a stranger in the face and then walk away. I want to drive down to Mexico and buy a poncho. I want to buy a corvette, and another dog, and a plane ticket to London. I want to go to Dennys or iHop and eat a giant portion of french toast with a big ass glass of chocolate milk.

Of course, I'll probably read a couple pages, go to sleep and wake up flipping out about the massive amount of work threatening to squash my sanity.

I don't know how I'm going to pull things off this time.