Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A Blip on the Radar

For the past couple of days, I've been slipping back into my depression. It's not as acute as it was before, but it's still pronounced enough that I can only focus on two major projects at once. For example, I can either work on improving my diet and writing my thesis, or I can work on waking up early and working out. Or any combination thereof.

I am working on improving my situation, but I guess I just want everything to happen faster. Only, I'm not motvated to work particularly hard for the things I want. It's frustrating. I feel like there's a giant magnet on my bed that just draws me to it with a force I can't resist. Once I'm there, I can barely move, let alone accomplish my goals and develop beautiful ambitions.

I know this blog might read like I'm complaining a lot, but I'm trying to describe how I feel. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder if some internet explorer will find this site someday long in the future and show this blog to some psychiatrist who just shakes her head at the suffering people went through trying to figure out how to manage illnesses. I hope that by the time one of my kids manifests with a mental illness, the medicine will have improved considerably.

I'm a member of a listserv for bipolar women and the number one frustration we express to one another is poorly controlled symptoms, unacceptable side effects and general malaise over the havoc the disease has left in its wake. I feel it.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and I don't know what to say to him about the messy way my life has developed since our last meeting. How can I explain feeling happy and sad and irritated and anxious and angry and disgusted and guilty all at the same time? I don't think I can explain it to him. I think I'm going to complain about my depressive symptoms because they're plaguing me the most right now.


I'm SO cranky.