Saturday, October 02, 2004

Outside In

My visit with Brendan in South Bend has been wonderful! From playing presidential debate drinking games to tailgating to listening to live bands play in semi-smokey bars, we've had TONS of fun. I've met so many friendly people whose names I'll never remember.

I'm surprised I've been doing as well as I have. Usually, I get anxious going out, particularly with a bunch of people who I don't know very well. I suppose that's not such a bad instinct, but it gets annoying when I have Brendan right next to me and I'm still all keyed up.

I've been feeling more shy and self-conscious than usual. Sometimes, I feel like I could walk around completely naked and not care at all whatsoever. Today, I feel like everyone is staring at me, or worse, they aren't seeing me at all. Everything has been clear-cut extremes the past few days. Either I'm the white girl at the black panther's meeting or I'm the wallflower trying my hardest not to be noticed. It's rough.

I've been having trouble with getting dizzy and feeling utterly exhausted. I feel like I'm walking around with 80 extra pounds all the time, just dragging me down. I'm still in good spirits, but I guess I'm also pretty scared of heading into another depression.

I feel like I'm walking on a razorblade. As long as I keep my balance, I'll be fine, but the instant I take a false step, it's going to be nasty.

I'm scared for myself. I wish there was something I could do to ensure that I'll be okay.

I guess I'll be saying my prayers.