Friday, August 06, 2004

Resuscitating a Life

FYI, my head still hurts!

I've been trying to lift myself out of this depression by changing my behaviors because I have this theory that many clinically depressed people prolong their depressions by not modifying toxic behaviors.

My first change has been to alter my sleeping schedule, limiting myself to 8 hours a night. So many doctors have suggested that a consistent sleep schedule is helpful to maintaining circadian rythems. Personally, I don't feel any differently when I sleep 12 hours as opposed to when I sleep 8. I just have more time during the day to think about how unhappy I am. But hey, if the doc demands it, I'll oblige.

This week, I'm trying to keep my sleep schedule and accomplish 5 things per day. I haven't been very successful today, unfortunately. But I suppose that even if I only get one goal accomplished from my list, it's one more thing than I would have accomplished without the list!

The other day, I was thinking about how people gain their perception of the world. I mean, the hackneyed saying is that we see the world as we are, not as it is. Well, I wonder how other people see the world, because my views of it are colored so much by my moods.

For example, today the world is too bright. It's empty and isolating...desolate. It's the type of place where you have to hurt people to help them. It's like a concert violinist playing in the dark in a sound proof room. It's beautiful, but you just can't hear it or see it. Missing the opportunity to watch the skilled musician at their craft is painful because the opportunity will never present itself again. And all you can do is stare into the darkness and wish that you could see the world differently.

What sparked this thought? A woman on my yahoo support group was talking about how the voices in her head sometimes call her name. She was mentioning it in the context of refusing to take anti-psychotic medication because the side effects of the medication was worse than the voices. She spoke as if she thought hearing voices whisper her name was not normal.

I wonder if everyone hears someone whisper their name at some point. I know that I do. It happens more at sometimes and less at others—no rhyme or reason to it. I just try to ignore it. Unfortunately, sometimes someone really will be calling my name and I feel like an ass for not answering them.

When the listserv woman talked about her voices like they were abnormal, I had to step back and seriously ponder whether hearing voices like that was normal or not. I mean, how would I know? I hear them too! So commonly, I assume that because my life is a particular way (for example, I hear voices), then everyone elses' life must be the same way. But maybe that isn't true.

Of course, if I would extrapolate that far enough, then I can never really know anything about anyone which would make perception utterly useless. So maybe I have a gift. To be able to consider things differently. That could be worth something to someone. And if it's not, then I suppose it's worth something to me.

For what that's worth. :)