Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The Binge

From conversations I've had with other bipolar people, I've learned that as a group, we tend toward the extremes of human experience. My recent blog silence is the result of my own latest frenzied trip into the high power world of being flicked "on" all the time.

Rather than shutting down during periods of high stress, my body tends to perk up and while my mind might lag behind a bit, I'm ready to go at a moment's notice. I'm in the process of writing my thesis (due Nov. 22), planning my wedding and planning a January move. When I'm not actively freaking out about everything I have to do, I'm either sleeping or think about sleeping.

I'm on a work binge. I've written more than 50 pages in the past 2 weeks. By the time I'm done with my thesis, I will have written at the very least another 30 pages. I'll also most likely weigh about 20 pounds more than when I started. I'm eating like I spend each day sprinting from morning until my eyes close at night. Mentally, I am. Physically, not so much and my poor waistline will reflect that soon enough.

At the end of the year, I think I'll be able to look back on this semester and be proud of what I (hopefully will have) accomplished. I can lose weight, but I know that if I leave Arizona without my degree, I will never get it.

I'm not sure I'd be able to push this hard without being bipolar. I don't know if I'd be able to focus for 10 hours a day on the same task, particularly when that task becomes tedious and painfully dull. (Footnotes are the bane of my existence). I don't know if I could get through everyday with all the stuff I have to do without knowing that if I absolutely had to, I could stay up for 4 or 5 days straight to get it all done.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it's not an oncoming train.