Friday, December 03, 2004

A Diagnositc Tool

While I've been living in a bubble of thesis writing and pop tarts (mmmpoptarts), the rest of the world has apparently kept on turning without me! The last time I had time to step back and take account of my life was in October and damn, things have changed quite a bit since then.

For starters, my pdoc put me on lithium and despite the minor annoyance of not being able to take NSAIDS like ibprofen to reduce the back pain brought on by hours hunched over a computer, I admit that I am feeling eerily stable. I can't say that this is how it feels to be "normal"—whatever the crap that is—but I can say that the majority of my mental energy hasn't been absorbed by monitoring my conduct.

I don't really have a frame of reference to compare my current artificial calm with because I've been consumed by moods since puberty and it seems to me that childhood moodiness manifests itself a bit differently than adult moodiness so a comparison between then and now wouldn't be fruitful. But from the time this disorder of mine became unmanageable when I was 18, I honestly don't remember a time when I've felt so stable for so long. I suppose that's kind of sad seeing as how I've only been feeling level for about a month.

Getting this thing under some semblance of control has really changed my outlook on life quite a bit. I mean, the amount of energy and time that I previously devoted to holding myself together and keeping my emotions under wraps was enormous and suddenly, it's been emancipated from its previous duties. Obviously, living life with a poorly managed illness is exhausting. I feel like I've been pulling a freakin cart full of books for the past five years and someone just gave me their donkey. It's liberating and strange.

Enough of my musings for now. You should check out this info on the development of a definitive diagnosis for bipolar disorder. Pretty spiffy.