Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Living in Circles

This might be a recurrent theme on this blog, but I can't help it. My mind seems to be lost in its own grey matter, tossing electricity in useless directions trying to stimulate a way out of the maze.

I can't help being frustrated. So frustrated that I'd love the cultural permission to shave my head, grab a drum and sit in the mall, thumping out an endless rythym like the one trapped in my skull. I swear, if science would take snap shots of my brain right now, they'd see the biochemical equivalent of a rodent stuck in an exercise wheel, trotting in the same useless direction ad infinitem. They would see synaptic activity that's completely formulaic and boring, useless and aggravating.

I feel like I'm trapped in a pitch black room and regardless of how hard I try to picture color, I can't remember what it looks like. I have no ideas. No inspiration. No emotion.

I am completely flat. Nothing excites me. Nothing makes me want to cry.

Now, some people would say, "hey dork, tweak your meds," but honestly, I think that's kind of part of the problem.

Every now and then, every patient is stupid and forgets to take their meds for some reason or another. Well, yeah, I forgot for a day and predictably, I'm suffering for it now. Check in with me in about 3 days and I'll be back to my normal depressed self. For now though, you can watch my frustrated agony as I sit, utterly unable to do anything.

Thank God for Brendan because without him, the dog would be getting freakin fat.