Saturday, April 23, 2005

A Saturday Snowstorm

We need not mention that it's Saturday, it's snowing and it's the end of April. Nope. We're not going to say a word about that.

Life has been trudging along for the past few weeks and I suppose I should be thankful that my moods have been comfortably stable. While I have been tired, I've also had moments of normality...or what I think normality would be like. Sure, I've been trying new meds to inspire wakefulness, and we all know how wonderful going on and coming off of medications can be for moods. And yet, I've been stable. And I like it.

For the first time in years, I'm starting to think about achieving things other than a modicum of mental stability. I've had the opportunity to think about religion in a deeper way than the "why me?" whirlpool I get stuck in when my moods are off kilter. My faith has been sorely tested throughout this whole ordeal and there was definitely a time when I figured that God was some sadistic jerk poking us like little voodoo dolls. I was very angry. I still am sometimes, but I like the basic message of the church quite a bit. Be of service and love people. I can do that.

The problem with feeling slightly better than I've felt in a long time is that I don't know what to do about it. Before I started having serious problems with bipolar, I was very involved in the community and excited about my coursework at school. Now, I have a dilemma about how to live my life.

Do I slowly build up my goals and ambitions in number and expansiveness or do I let sleeping kittens lie and coast in the anticipation of another bout of moodiness shredding my life once more? The fact is, if I start a bunch of projects and fuck them up because of a bipolar snap, I'm going to feel like a total jerk.

I'm both nervous and excited for the next few months here. Brendan and I will both be working, so we'll have some money to put into savings. We'll be able to take day trips on the weekends...maybe even take Robbie to the sandy lake shore so he can run around. Maybe I'll put the mini harness on the cats and let them walk around outside a little bit. Ahhh. I love the summer.

I did make my first mini-commitment today actually. After I made a trip out to my favorite saltwater fish shop to buy some snails for my tank, I stopped by PetSmart and signed a volunteer application to work with a local animal rescue. I think I'll probably volunteer for one night a week, from something like 6-8pm. I'm curious to see how the cats tolerate a shelter environment and to help everyone get adopted if we can. Maybe I'll drag Brendan along sometime and he can take some pictures of the cats for the adoption website.

Besides, I think getting out of the house and chatting with some people who aren't affiliated with Notre Dame would be good for me. Not that Notre Dame is evil, but there's more to this town than the university...maybe.

Anyway, despite my best efforts to take things slowly, I'm sure that I'll quickly over-commit myself and end up feeling frazzled. Oy.