Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Where did June go?

There's something about being depressed that makes time blur together in a relentless series of mundane tasks that feel insurmountable. It's wonderful to snuggle in bed with a beloved teddy bear, but not so joyous when you stay with your stuffed animal to escape the seemingly daunting task of making the bed. When stupid things like laundry and putting dishes in the dishwasher feel as difficult as taking four pets to the vet or getting the car to the shop, "life" is reduced to a series of sheer rock cliffs and rainy days where a clear path once stood, and in reality, does stand.

That reality becomes confusing when depressions lift and you look back on a period of time that felt so arduous and exhausting only to find that the landscape was smooth and easily navigable. You look around at the vestiges of what felt like the result of Herculean struggle only to find yourself angry that the clutter and filth of days gone by is hanging around to infect the first inklings of your potentially good mood. Because around here, good moods are like the most delicate flowers in the world and when the hurricanes come, you want to shelter them as best you can lest they be ripped to shreds before your eyes.

Of course, life here is either a violent storm or a sunny day; the middle is missing. Once upon a time, that middle was my master plan. When moods threatened my sanity or my existence, I could always cling to the stability of a fairy tale future and the fabled steps I needed to take to get there. The elusive success was supposed to be born of hard work and dedication and so, even if I partied every night, I would still wake up for 8am classes and viola, my GPA never dropped below a 3.6. But now crap like GPAs doesn't matter. In fact, my college and graduate school training works against my ability to get a job. And the jobs I apply for are positions that I could have gotten before I graduated from high school.

Opportuntiy in this town is like a shriveled, rotten prune. What once was ripe is now crippled with decay. Ugh.

I have a theory about my difficulties finding a job. And it's not just that I haven't applied very much. There's more than that. I keep running into the wall with the managers interviewing me; there's this inherent hostility to the interview that really pisses me off. It took me a minute to recognize that these dimwits are afraid that I will steal their jobs. Most store management positions require a college education and as soon as these guys hire a college educated employee, they're looking at competition for promotions and opportunities. Can I really expect some moron who graduated from Ball State to hire me when they know I could easily replace them? Dumb little people are very defensive over their tenuous grip on success.

Alas. I'm stuck. I'm cranky and cheerful. I'm frustrated, unhappy and yet, surprisingly content.

But most of all, I'm waiting.